After Brenda posted her bulleton about the words "I am not uncircumcised" ending a date in five minutes, I began brooding on one of my favorite subjects...circumcision. Why is it something I brood on? well let me tell you the story of how I learned that I was a filthy foreskin having deviant...no better than the dirty French exchange students who stole my 60 bottle of Bombay Saphire so many years back. I am uncircumcised. My mom felt like it was a barbaric custom. Or at least that is what she always told us. In fact when it was talked about in our house it was talked about with the same disgust that one might talka about binding ones feet in japan or removing ribs in the antebellum south or breat implants...it was just something that was disgusting and a horrible disfiguring ordeal for little babies. Fair enough. I didn't have much choice. My mom eventually got re-married to this guy named Mark who was Jewish. Now I never saw marks Penis, but I knew he was circumcised and I knew it was because of the fact that he was a Jew. So I chalked that one up to him taking part in deeply held religious beliefs...sort of like ritual tatoo or something. I could accept that for a Jewish man, there was little you could do. You simply had to have your manhood slashed away at as part of your family heritage. Also, fair enough. Now as most of you may no I am not much of an athelete. I was shamed out of PE in High School and forced onto the Golf Team, just so I wouldn't flunk out of school since I couldn't run a mile in 8 minutes. So I didn't spend ANY time in a locker room or shower. and when I did I didn't look at penises...to much.
So I never noticed if any of my friends were Circumcised. I assumed they weren't cause none of them were Jewish...and it was a barbaric custom. Also in Sex Ed...they never really talked abou the percentage of men who were circumcsised...so I had no idea it was so wide spread. The thing is...at least with me anyway, that I would assume that most women I've had sex with wouldn't even know I was uncircumcised unless I took the time to show them my foreskin...which I never did cause I never figured it was a novelty. And forget about watching porn...cuase again at least in my experience, when you're ready for action so to speak you can't see the foreskin...so i just assumed that all the guys in porn had forskin...but you couldn't see it since they weren't flacid.
Well here's where I had this moment like in Kinsey where he goes, "Why doesn't anyone talk about this?" I was in a car with four of my other buddies, all of whom were taking human sexuality. This was at UCSB, so I had gone through almost 21 years believing that the only guys I knew who were circumcised were jewish. Anyway they were all talking about this HORRIBLE video they had to watch where this FILTHY european guy was masterbating, tuggging away at his DISGUSTING FORESKIN!!! they way they were all talking about it was as if he was engaging in the most deviant of child pornographic snuff film. "Ugh'" they all said, "It was so awful". This seemed like a somewhat odd stance for someone with a foreskin to take so I said innocently, "Wait a minute guys, don't tell me that you're all CIRCUMCISED." I said it with the weight of 21 years of believing that circumcision was the most inhuman barbaric custom, a custom that you would only subject yourself to if you were DEEPLY religious...like the baptists in the Ozarks who dance with snakes and sing Jesus Loves me. And then I endured the longest most uncomfortable silence I have ever endured. Finally my friend Lloyd said, "Don't tell me your NOT circumcised." Failing to grasp the implications I said, "Hell no!!! I'm not some crazy religious zealot...my parents were progressive." And there was another period of silence. The whole rest of the night (we went to a pizza parlor) I just sat in stunned silence. All this time ALL my friends had been circumcised. as an ironic twist of fate the only other guy I knew who hadn't been was a Jew. Imagine my suprise. That night I called ever girl I had sex with (which took me a long time I might brag) and said, "Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell me I was a foreskinned freak? How many other guys have you been with that weren't circumcised?" It was a defining moment. For years after that I'd call Patrick a snip snip boy...and he'd talk about my filthy disease spreading foreskin...or a droop droop boy for short.
Let me set teh record straight here...by saying that you do not need to be circumcised to keep your penis clean...It is no different than washing your toes or your ears or your ass or whatever...I have NEVER had smegma...I have never given anyone a yeast infection....and no son of mine will be circumcised. Over my dead body...I want them to be as fucked up as their old man.