Death. And how it can affect your life. (Originally posted on MySpace on Wednesday, October 12, 2005)

D.J. Jen is dead.

Long live D.J. Jen.

I didn't really know her PERSONALLY, but she was someone who was part of my early days of clubbing in LA. She was always extra nice to me and laughed when I'd dance silly at ClockWork Orange. She did sort of sneer at me once at vinyl fetish...but that was cause I was showing a little too much interest in old Erasure singles.

No I think this death will affect me more in that it will affect those people I know. It seems that death always causes us to focus on ourselves. Like how did "I" know her. How it's sad for "me" that she's dead. It makes me a little uncomfortable. Like when my Grandpa Currie died and everyone was sort of bickering with each other over who got what. Or how when Grandpa Roy died and one of the mormon step grandkids drove to the wake in Roy's car...just little things...that sort of in someway take the focus off of the person. I mean I guess that's part of it. Death really doesn't matter to the dead. They're dead. It really matters to those that are left behind. It makes you focus in on your own mortality.

Like how my dad kept mumbling about how the Arnold Brothers were carrying on the Arnold mantle when his dad died and i could tell that he was really looking into the deep black abyss of his eventual oblivion...there is no stopping the ebb of time...nothing is constant..even grandpa Roy, who I honestly still can not really think of as dead, I mean he was just like a living metaphor for being the old guy still kicking around his office.

And now this. Now this girl who D.J.'d of all things the GOTH room. I mean her whole life was melodramatic death and despair (at least from my perspective, because I only know the DJ Jen, not the person Jen.). And now she's really dead.

I don't want to come across as crass. It is a definate tragedy. It's just that I ALWAYS feel a little bit like I'm an emotional poser if I don't talk honestly about how I feel about things. I feel like no matter how bad you feel, it could be worse...some people out there are really REALLY going to miss Jen. And no amount of sadness on my part is ever going to come close to their trauma...and it makes me feel this strange sense of guilt that I would even cop to feeling sad, when compared to them I have no right to be sad...cause I wasn't as close to or as affected by her passing.

I guess I just have this strange atheistic, cold attitude towards it. I hope when I die that people will really reflect on all the ways I made their life better, or interesting, or something and I hope they really think about how important and precious their own lives are and how everyday is something to cherish. I hope they don't argue about who gets my shit...

DJ Jen was a really sweet, fun, girl and I'm sad she's gone...