Tell them damn kids to stay off the grass!!! (Originally posted on MySpace Tuesday, July 19, 2005 )

So here's something I have always thought about in terms of man's attempt to tame the wild expanse and bring order to chaos: Grass.

Really what the hell is Grass, and I mean lawn grass. Think about your average lawn grass...picture it now...green...sprout like. Does it grow anywhere naturallly? I can remember being a kid in Rural Nevada and my parents strugling to grow a lawn in the MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING DESERT!!! I mean dry cracked dust and sage brush as far as the eye can see...rains maybe twice a year and they are agonizing over a fucking useless non-native patch of GRASS?!!! why?

I mean whose idea was that anyway. A lawn. If you live in Nevada you should have a rock garden or some such.

Even in California...they turned the central valley from inhabitable mosquito infested bog land into the nations raisin basket...It makes no sense. Why would someone even LIVE in the central valley much less waste so much time and energy trying to FARM there...what a pain.

I can remember spending several weekends endlessly weeding my mom's garden as a kid. I hated it. I can not think of a single flower beautiful enough to legitimate all that back breaking labor. It's one thing if you're going to EAT what you grow...but this was like a rose bush etc. And the stuff I was weeding was this like crab grass. For those of you that don't know, Crab Grass is like this vine like grass. It looks like grass from afar but up close it is a gnarled mess of thick tube like vines that grown in and out of the ground. It is so thick that it has to be ripped up with extreme force and care. If you're not careful you'll leave the roots intact. And even if you ARE careful all it takes is one little left over root and the whole mess will be overgrown within another week. This stuff is like a plant virus.

And I thought. What the Fuck am I even trying to WEED this shit for. It's only gonna grow back. Why don't we just let this thing grow over the whole Yard. It looks like grass..what makes 'normal' grass so great. Honestly...We should just let that shit over grown the lawn and trim it back with a weed whacker. Sure beats trying to keep grass alive that doesn't want to grow while trying to kill off grass that does.

Who thought up the concept of a lawn. I mean really. You're living in a house somewhere and your looking out at the natural land around you and you think...you know I live in an arid desert...better try to waste a bunch of water and grow a bunch of plants that only want to die in this climate for no reason other than that it looks pretty. Fuck that.

I realise that this is an argument similar to "why make the bed if I'm only going to unmake it." It is a question only a Future Housemakers of America teacher from the mid fifties could difinitively answer. Cause really don't I have better things to do with my time than make a bed 365 times a year only to unmake it agian 365 times?

I think people are just obsessed with trying to do things nature doesn't want them to do like: Circumcision (I'm uncircumcized and I have never had smegma or a penis infection or whatever it is that they tell you that you'll get if you DON'T have one...and who told you this? Women and Men who already have sliced and diced penises...Fuck that, It just makes no sense...it is a barbaric custom, Unless you're jewish...and then you're on your own buddy, Cause I ain't gonna have no religious war over penises.). Living on Cliffs on a House on Stilts (only a rich jackass would do something this stupid...the same rich jackass who drives an SUV to his job as a Studio Exec...Oh yeah, you're gonna be haulin a lot of lumber today pal, way to fill up your $200 a tank SUV so the Rich Ass Saudi Oil Barons can fund another splinter cell terrorist group...Hope your fucking house on stilts makes you happy, idiot), People who cut off dogs tails and ears....that is so god damned sick to me...do you know that there is a breed of persian cate whos FACE IS PURPOSEFULLY CRUSHED AT BIRTH so that they can have a certain cute look? I mean come on, let's get over ourselves...

Don't get me worng...ther are a lot of good aplications of overcoming natural obsticals...Medicine...I'm glad that certain pharmacuetical companies didn't say...well why cure cancer if it's only going to come back tomorrow...

So it's a difficult argument to stand behind 100%. But as far as grass and crushing baby kittens faces there might be a better solution.